4. Where crazy began for me

My relationship was going good for the month, but then I started noticing some subtle changes. He was spending a lot of time on his computer, particularly in the Skype program.

Little did I know at the time, he was talking to his ex. This was the first crushing blow. He was telling her how much he loved her and missed her, and sometimes he’d almost accidentally call me by her name. Lovely. Just what I wanted to read. Not to mention, the stockpiles of naked pics of her in the gallery.

My heart was broken. And that’s the first time I learned not to trust. I confronted him and we had a conversation. He basically came out saying he wanted to be with her. I was so upset, worse than when I lost my virginity. I felt betrayed, but I let it go. He was confused. I told him that when he gets his priorities straight, he was gonna know it was gonna be me.

I was stuck on that whole “I’m gonna marry him” feeling. He and I were on and off for the next few months. I’d check his shit, delete the bitches, and we’d fight. See, when it was good, it was really good. But goddamn that social media (I say in irony). But to catch up, we had hit a point where we both finally felt we were going to be together for good. And that’s when I decided to get pregnant. I just wanted to be married and have a family. His goals were parallel to mine.

So I was pregnant at 19. I decided to get out of the military because we were planning to get married, and I didn’t want both of us to have to deploy away from our child. I filed for separation and it was granted. I was pregnant in March of 2011, and then we were to be married in September of 2011.

I was so excited to be pregnant. I took like four pregnancy tests, hoping they would be positive. And the very last one was. I remember being so overjoyed. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone, except my parents, perhaps. But it wasn’t too bad.

What essentially sucked is what happened that summer. He had already planned a trip to visit his family back in the states and put in for leave. So, I was going a couple weeks without the father of my child and my fiance. But it would be okay. I’d survive.

Not far into his trip, I had a horrible nightmare of him cheating on me while he was at home. Something about it rocked me to my core. I had read that during pregnancy, these types of dreams were likely to happen, simply on the fact that you are committing in a big way and your subconscious worries internally. But I had Skyped him and he told me not to worry. He wouldn’t do anything.


I swear, is lying built into each man when he’s created? Because I’m pretty sure they are the root of all evil. I had gotten a phone call from his other ex, we’ll call her Hannah. Hannah had told me that he had made out with another girl at a party and she wasn’t sure if they’d slept together.

My worst fear had materialized. It had come out of my prego brain and manifested into my real life. I was extremely heart broken at this point. We were supposed to get married, I was pregnant with his baby, and it took him all of 9 days of being away from me to hop on another girl. What the actual fuck?

I had already filed for separation and it was granted. I was supposed to get married. What the fuck was I to do now? My worst fear was being a single mother at that point. Now I know women around the world do it every day, and I commend you. That’s amazing. But it wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t know many women that consciously thought, “Hey, I want to have a baby all by myself.” Now, there are some, but not many.

I confronted him over the internet and he told me the truth. He expressed to me that he had not slept with her, but that it was only a kiss.

Only a kiss. Only a kiss. Only. A. Kiss. It’s only a knife. Just a knife stabbed in your leg. You won’t die from it. You’ll just bleed a lot. But it won’t kill you.

I had to hold on to these words, otherwise, my life was going to take a drastic turn I wasn’t prepared for. I had put all my eggs in one basket, and this basket turned out to be weak and non-dependable. At this point, I had to repair it, or I was going to lose everything.

When he returned, I was very cold to him. He wanted our relationship to keep moving forward. I, on the other hand, kind of wanted him to suffer. That was the first time I had ever had hateful thoughts toward someone.

I was very soft-hearted as a person. I grew up with a lot of love around me. I had no knowledge of the outside world. I was never taught how to function as an adult. So this adult life, this relationship shit, this cheating bullshit, really affected me. I was doing the best I could, and somehow the man I loved still looked the other way.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEN? Okay, now I get it. Not all men are this way, and not just men cheat. I’ve cheated before. But we’ll get more into that later. At this point, I had a fairly clean slate when it came to my relationships. I had a hoe phase shortly before he and I got together, in which I made some terrible decisions that affected people as a whole. I thought maybe this was my karma for that.

So I pulled my relationship together. I made him go to premarital counseling, which literally was like one session. He couldn’t stand the idea of someone telling him how to live his life. DON’T CHEAT. That’s it. For the love of God, stop cheating over social media. Stop sending pictures, stop being a goddamn idiot. Nothing grates on my nerves more than that shit. And our world makes it so fucking easy now.

There was one more incident before he and I were to be married. I busted him exchanging pictures with Hannah, the bitch that told me that he had kissed the other girl. Figures, right. You’d think this would be the last straw, but it wasn’t. I knew that he wanted a marriage and a family more than anything. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that. I had told him that the moment he married me, he needed to let all that childish shit go. We were adults. We were going to be parents. He needed to be an example of what our child would look up to. Our son. Yes, I was having a boy.

On September 21st, we got married. None of our family was there, and it was done at the courthouse on base, so it wasn’t fancy by any means. But, I was happy.

I have had about four months in my life where I was truly happy. It’s the most amazing thing, when you literally aren’t worried about anything. I was completely in love with my husband, excited to be a housewife, and I couldn’t wait until my baby boy was born.

We were the only couple of our friends that were married. The rest of them were single Airmen. So our house became home to many of our friends. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Christmas Eve with all of our friends. We were the glue that held everything together. I loved hosting parties. He would invite all his friends over to play video games or Yu-Gi-Oh! and I would make dinner for everyone. I was the hostess. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had.

Being a wife had calmed the wild side in me. I don’t know how, but everything was coming together. I hadn’t had any issue with my husband, and we were honestly so excited for our baby. We bought him only the best of stuff. His nursery theme was Ocean Wonders and we spared no expense. One thing about my husband I’ve always admired, is the fact that money was never an issue. The military basically paid for everything and left overs was used to pay whatever we want. And he spoiled me. Boy, did he spoil me. And in return, I treated him like a king. He never asked it of me, but I wanted to do it for him. He deserved it. I was happy, in love, and waiting for my son to make his debut.


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