5. The best and the worst

Being a mom was unlike anything I had ever experienced. My own tiny human, that I and the man I loved created. Having a child is the most intimate experience you can have with someone you love. They talked about soul ties when you have sex with someone, but holy shit the soul ties when you have a child with someone. Looking at the beautiful little one that was half me and half my husband, I’d never experienced a love like this. I’ve never loved anyone to the degree that I did my own child.

It was a little difficult, I won’t lie. I didn’t have a clue what the fuck I was doing. There were nights where I’d bawl my eyes out because my son wouldn’t stop crying. I fed him, changed him, loved on him, and did everything I could think of. I finally just collapsed in front of the crib and bawled my eyes out. At that point, I called my mother crying. She told me to relax, take a break, and let him cry for about 15 minutes. She told me to just shut his door, go into the living room and listen to some music.

When I re-entered the room, he had gone quiet. He was happy. I picked him up and snuggled him. And we were happy. I wanted everything in the world for him. I couldn’t even go shopping and not get him something. I wanted to give him as much as I could.

My son loved his daddy, even if he spent most of the time with Mommy. My husband loved our son. He wasn’t fond of changing diapers, but what person isn’t? Something I had also noticed is that he only wanted to do the fun stuff. When it came to feeding, changing, or bathing, he’d rarely do it. That was annoying. But we were being taken care of. I got to spend every day of my life with my child, and if that isn’t the biggest blessing in the world, I don’t know what is.

The child took up a lot of my time and energy, and I have to say, my marriage made sacrifices. We had decided early on before he was sleeping through the night to take “shifts.” I’d sleep from 10pm to 4am and he would take care of the baby. Obviously he wasn’t up all night, but if he woke up, I would still get continuous sleep. Then I would get up at 4am and my husband would go to sleep. This is before he would go back to work.

The night I went into labor, I noticed my husband being a little shady with his computer. We had been doing so good, please oh God don’t let him be fucking it up right now. I expressed my concerns, but he quickly dismissed them. He looked at me straight in the eye and said, “I will never do that again. You can read whatever you want.” The thing about my husband is, when asked, he always tells the truth. He’ll omit like his life depends on it, but he never lied to me when I straight up asked him. However, whenever I had these feelings, I was always right. But, I just kinda stood there, and was like, “Wait, I’m wrong?” That’s weird. But I let it go, after all, I started having contractions that night.

Things were becoming distant with my husband. When I was not taking care of our little one, I did my best to try to give my husband what he needed. I’d dress up in lingerie for him, but he did not seem interested. I tried to make the effort, but he didn’t want it. Talk about insecurity for a woman who just had a baby. I remained relatively small throughout my pregnancy, up until the last month. But I had a bazillion stretch marks all over my tummy and I was not too thrilled.

I didn’t feel pretty, and the lack of interest from the man I married did not help. I felt defeated. So I let him play his video games and retreated to my room. See, this is the point where we should have talked, expressed our feelings, and tried to come to some sort of reconciliation. But no, both of us remained silent.

When you are not doing your duties as a spouse, people start looking elsewhere. It’s not right or justified, but it does happen. My “elsewhere” came in the form of my high school love. We’ll call him Max.


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