Tag: growing up

12. Against The Grain.

I began to talk to this guy almost every day. We’ll call him…Jesse. We began to play this game asking questions about each other. I learned he was from out of state, that he lived in his dad’s house and lived a ways from where I was at. Over the next few days, I found myself stumbling onto his profile almost a little more than necessary. I looked through his pictures so I could really get a good look at the guy I was talking to every night.

He was becoming cuter and cuter to me the more we talked. He was definitely wasn’t my type. He sagged his pants (which I fucking hated) and liked a lot of rap. But then again, they say that opposites attract.

We decided to go and meet up at a concert. We arranged rides to get there. I remember sitting at the venue, eagerly waiting for his appearance. Then I saw him. I could tell he saw me too. He smiled and turned away shyly. Okay, I thought to myself. I’m gonna have to make the first move on this one. I was not used to this. Being married had definitely done a number on my dating skills. Of course, I never dated much to begin with.

I walked up to him at the bar. He turned to look at me, said hi, and looked away. He was definitely shy. I believe I asked him to go sit at a table together. He said yes and we started talking. I don’t know what we talked about, but I remember I was extremely flirtatious. I kept my hand on his thigh, whispering in his ear (also, it was a show so it was loud. The key is to not be too sexy). I remember asking him if I could kiss him. Lord knows he wasn’t gonna do it on his own. This boy needed some help. He nodded and I made my mood.

The sensation that coursed through my body was amazing. The kiss was different, for I had not made out with anyone with facial hair and he had more than I had ever been used to. I deepened the kiss and remember running my hand through his hair. Then, I, ever so classily, took his hand and put it in front of my leggings. This was to be my new persona. I could literally be whoever I wanted with this guy. I wanted to be bold, sexual, and desirable. He was the first one I had ever met that I could be that way with. It was dangerous, naughty, and tons of fun. Excellent date.

I told him he could come back to Hannah’s place that night, if he wanted to. He did, but knew he’d have to ask his dad. He literally waited until his dad was about to drop me off and got out of the car and told him he’d be back home the next day.

And then he never left.

That is the story of how I met the man that would someday become my entire world, unbeknownst to myself.


9. What is best

I spoke to a lawyer on base about my divorce situation. I asked him generally what happens to the kids in a military divorce. He said that they usually go with the non-military parent for deployment purposes and what not. We weren’t wanting to go to battle though. My husband and I were on mutual agreement that it just wasn’t working out.

We even tried to explore other avenues. I guess it was me more so than him. He knew that I was looking in other places for people, and he was too, more so on the internet. There was a girl that I was really interested in. The only woman I have ever met that I could have dated. I just don’t see girls in a relationship. I can have sex, but I’m just not emotionally compatible with a woman. But this girl, there was something special about her.

My husband encouraged me to go after her, and I tried, but it was a big complicated situation that caused way too much drama. My husband and I were still having a good relationship, but more like a friendship and we happened to have kids together. We were still having sex, but it was more out of comfort than a need for each other.

Looking back, I can say that I definitely shouldn’t have handled it the way I did. I had a feeling that he had slept with someone, but he told me he didn’t. I was completely honest with him about what I was doing. So I guess you can argue that I cheated on my husband, but he knew. We had decided it was okay, even though we hadn’t physically filed for divorce.

Turns out, because of a government shutdown, my husband could not crosstrain and had to get out of the military at the end of his enlistment that year. So he would be returning to his home of record. I had said to him that instead of me taking the kids, I would move to his state, which I’d never been in, so long as he would help me get on my feet. This way, I didn’t feel like a monster who took her kids’ father away. This is what was best for my children. It wasn’t their fault we didn’t want to be married.

He suggested once that he take our son and I take our daughter. I told him absolutely not. I would not split my children. For one, they have a huge bond to each other. Secondly, how the fuck would my son feel knowing his mom only took his sister? And vice versa? Hell the fuck no. I would not do that to them.

So come November 2013, we packed up our family and moved from Japan to Oklahoma. We had to stay with his family, whom I had never met. He always hated his mom his whole life. He said she was a bipolar psycho. She was abusive and that was the reason he moved out so young.

When I met her, she seemed nice enough. She loved the kids, and did shots with me like the first night I was there. We even took my daughter and went shopping with her, while my husband took our son and his dad. She asked me about us getting a divorce and asked if there was any chance of it working out. I told her about Hannah. She remembered Hannah. She absolutely hated her. Something we had in common. One of the few.

Things were okay. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my husband’s family. I was struggling a bit, being as I was trying to parent my children in someone else’s house. My daughter was not sleeping well in her pack and play, so she was screaming a lot during the night. I could tell his parents were irritated, but there wasn’t much I could do. They didn’t offer to help or anything, not that I necessarily needed it. She was just a tough baby.

My mother had a heart attack and I had no way to contact her. My husband was off buying himself a phone, but didn’t think of me at all. He suddenly decided that he didn’t have to pay for me anymore. His parents got him a good deal on a vehicle and helped him get a job. I, on the other hand, had applied to a nearby place, but didn’t get the job.

I was growing more and more stressed with the living situation. I was used to it just being me, my husband, and my children. I could tell his mother was critiquing my parenting and it was pissing me the fuck off. She started limiting how much juice my son had and when he could have a snack. That made me angry, but she was paying for it, so what could I do.

I had to use the house phone to call my mother and check up on her. She had her second heart attack and I was worried for her. So much, that I was crying a lot. I didn’t want to be in Oklahoma. I wanted to go home. I was uncomfortable in someone else’s house and it was becoming awkward. I started noticing all of things my husband said he hated about his mom. She was the biggest control freak I had ever met. I watched my husband give in to her every request, just so she would shut up.

3. Building for a future I wasn’t supposed to have

“They say that love is forever
Your forever is all that I need
Please stay as long as you need
Can’t promise that things won’t be broken
But I swear that I will never leave
Please stay forever with me”

~Sleeping With Sirens “If I’m James Dean, Then You’re Audrey Hepburn”

Courtesy of Rise Records

I met the man who would become the father of my future children in Japan. He had switched assignment with a girl in my class in tech school, back at Lackland AFB. He had actually been dating one of the girls in my class, but was further along in his training. He was toting around an acoustic guitar and walking by the dorms when I was headed home from work. He worked at the dining facility and I worked at the gym. Clearly, we were doing big things for our country. I’d stop by and chat for a little bit.

I had gone through a recent break up due to cheating on my boyfriend because he gave me permission. My boyfriend was totally gay, but we were best friends. He gave me a free pass, because he wouldn’t have sex with me, and I took it. Apparently, he didn’t think I’d do it, and then was mad when I did it. He wasn’t even attracted to me. That’s gotta be one of the weirdest relationships I’ve ever had.

So my first steps into adulthood and I was learning that relationships were more complicated than I could have ever anticipated. Like, how am I finding these weird ass relationships? I had a traditional thought of relationships. You date, meet “The One”, get married and have kids, then live happily ever after. A naive thought, I’d discover over the years.

But this guy, he was different. He wasn’t married, wasn’t gay, but was lonely. We hung out a couple times, and our hangouts were becoming more frequent. I knew he wanted to date me, but I wasn’t ready for it. We started having casual sex. He was the absolute sweetest. He opened doors for me, had a little country boy accent. He was something I never would have expected to be remotely interested in. I wanted a rock star. A guy with black hair, dark eyes, tattoos, and eyeliner. No joke. I pretty much fell in love with opposite.

Like all relationships, this one did not come without its struggles. The first struggle being the fact that I had to get my head out of my ass and realize that someone amazing wanted to be a part of my life. So I did. December 2011, we started dating. I fell in love fast. Within a week of dating, I knew that I was going to marry him. Don’t ask me how or why, I just looked at him in the car and felt it. I was like “Oh shit.” And I didn’t necessarily want to marry him at that point, but something telling me inside said I was.

Everybody’s got a dark side, or some sort of downside. We’re only human. We’re bound to make mistakes and keep making them. Hell, if I don’t make a mistake at least once a day, it doesn’t feel like an actual day. If I’m not fucking things up on the daily, something’s seriously wrong.

With this particular one, he was hung up on his ex who was the girl that used to be in my class. She was back in the states. Why are they always hung up on their exes? I mean, let’s talk about this. Does any man actually move on from someone they loved? Or do they secretly pine away for the ex before. Over the years, I have completely moved on from exes. I’ve learned to completely detach myself from past relationships. These men could stand to learn a few things.


Like for fucking real. Honestly, it’s worse than letting a new person into your relationship. I literally would rather be cheated on with a new bitch I’d never heard of, than someone I know full-well who they are and how you felt about them. We girls always have that comparative insecurity. We compare until we’re blue in the face.


And this, my friends, is where crazy starts.