Tag: young parenting

10. The Descent.

The worst day of my life. I’m telling you, this was the worst day I had ever had. My husband decided to go see a movie with his sister, his dad was at work, and me and his mom were at the house.

I had previously talked to my mother, who was struggling to keep her blood pressure after the heart attack. She had messaged my husband’s mother to ask if there was a way to make sure she could get ahold of me. His mom is very passive aggressive, I’ve learned. She sweetly told her that if I would get a job, I could afford a phone and that they could not afford to get me a phone. Which, my mom and I both knew that. That kind of shit pisses my mother off and she was saying her blood pressure was rising.

So that day, while she and I were both home, I talked to her. My babies were napping in separate rooms. I asked her (very nicely, mind you) if she could not talk to my mother on Facebook. She couldn’t handle her blood pressure rising.

His mother suddenly went off screaming, “Your mom’s a BITCH!”

Now. I am not the kind of person to yell. I do not go off on people. But something inside me fucking snapped. My mom just had a heart attack. How fucking dare this bitch insult her! And I let her have it. I started screaming, “Are you fucking kidding me? My mom just had a heart attack!”

In which she responded, “So! Lots of people have heart attacks!”

“She almost DIED!”

“People die every day!”

And then it pretty much escalated from there. I believe I may have called her every insulting thing in the book. I yelled how her kids couldn’t fucking stand her because she was a psychotic bitch.

Then she threatened to show me psychotic and started insulting my parenting, saying my son was slow.

I just thought about how I’ve never wanted to hit someone so bad as I did this bitch. I wanted to beat the living shit out of her and I am not a fighter. Not by a long shot.

She suggested I go to another room to get some air. I thought for a moment, my kids are sleeping in both of the bedrooms and the other room was hers. So, I took her advice, and stepped out front to take a breather.

I was trying to calm down when I heard the worst sound of my life. The sound of the deadbolt locking.

This bitch just locked me away from my children and out of this house.

I start banging on the door screaming for her to let me in. I thought about breaking the window where my kids were sleeping. I should have. That would have been better than what I did. Not a second goes by that I didn’t wish I broke open that window, took my children and ran away.

But no. I did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. When I realized the psycho bitch was not going to let me back in, I went to the neighbor’s house. They didn’t speak much English but let me use their phone. I called my husband and told him what his mother did. He sounded annoyed and said he was on his way.

I saw in the driveway waiting for him to come home. His dad came home. He looked at me and reassuringly said, “I know,” and he went to take care of his wife. My husband returned home and said to me that he would talk to her and convince her to let me back in. The two of them were so calm, as if this kind of behavior for her was normal. Her husband was extremely cool, laid-back, and hilarious. She, on the other hand, was a controlling, high-strung, bipolar psycho.

My husband was in that house for 45 mins before he came out. He looked exasperated. “Look, she’s not gonna let you back in. I’m going to drive you to a hotel for a night. Hopefully she will calm down tomorrow. I’ll take care of the kids. You need a night to yourself to relax. You are always doing everything with the kids. You need a break.”

That was really thoughtful of him. He went inside and packed up some things I would need for the night. We drove a little ways outside the city and he checked me in to the motel. He gave me $80. I had a credit card which had never been used and about $500 in my account, which was to be used to pay for my college classes.

I used some of the money to walk to Walmart and get myself a cheap little flip phone. That was an adventure. I was in a town I had never been. Everything was completely foreign to me. I came back to the room and messaged my husband. I asked about the kids and he told me they were doing good. I told him I wanted them out of there. I said that we should use our money and get us a small place until I could move out on my own.

There was no response. He didn’t respond. I tried calling him. It just rang and rang and then went to voicemail. I start blowing up his Facebook.

Why aren’t you answering your phone?

I want to see the kids.

I want them out of there.

Are you purposely keeping me from them?

I guess I’m paying for another night.

Okay, he finally responded.

The next day.

Why won’t you answer your phone? Will you call me please?

So you’re cool with sending me away, but not helping me?

Why won’t you let me fucking talk to my kids?

You can’t keep them away from me!

No response. No answer. Just voicemail.

Oh my fucking god. He just. He took my kids from me. I’m alone in a state where I have no family, no friends, and no knowledge about anything in this state. I was completely alone. Never have I felt more alone in my life than I did in that moment. A moment that to this day, still haunts and torments me. I was the world’s biggest fool. An absolute fucking idiot. Why didn’t I call the cops when his mom locked me out? Why did I call him?

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE TRULY EVIL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD???

All questions I ask myself every day afterward. I trusted him. I FUCKING TRUSTED HIM. We were on good terms. And when his mother got involved, something changed. This was not the man I married.

Or maybe it was. I mean, let’s be honest, he was a piece of shit while we dated. And then while we were married. But I never thought him capable of something like this. Then it occurred to me. Over the summer, we had gotten a bunch of backpay from the military, about $7000. Suddenly the $7000 disappeared out of the account. I confronted my husband about it and he said he put it in CDs so it could acquire interest. I accused him of trying to screw me over. He didn’t like that.

He also didn’t like that I tried to install a keylogger. Most men don’t dig the idea. But if they were trustworthy, I WOULDN’T NEED THE FUCKING KEYLOGGER. But I digress. My dumbass did not pay for said keylogger. I installed the free version, not knowing it was a piece of shit. Or the fact that it left a window open in the background.

So, when he found it, he was not particularly thrilled. So much so, that he got in my face. He got really close to me with menacing eyes. He was shirtless, and I put my hands lightly on his chest and gently pushed him away, to indicate that he needed to get out of my face. He was making me uncomfortable.

He grabbed my wrists and slammed them against the wall. His grip was tight and he was hurting me. He yelled at me and I got scared. I was in pain and he didn’t care. I shoved him away and ran to the living room to call security forces.

He grabbed the phone from my hands and I was so scared he was gonna continue to hurt me and be a psycho, I grabbed the phone and threw it at him as hard as I could. Now that I think about it, that’s the only man I have ever thrown anything at. He scared the shit out of me.

Not quite sure how we had resolved this, but we did.

But now, now it made sense. There were no CDs. My suspicions were right. 9/10 times they are. I should know this by now.

What was I to do?

I did the only thing I could think of. I took to social media and blasted the whole situation. Everybody was giving me advice. I talked to my parents, my aunts, Max even. He and I talked a whole lot about what was going on. He was genuinely concerned. It made it a teensy bit easier. Not much though. I was still without my world. My reason for living.

Then a thought popped into my head. The only person I knew in this entire state.

Fuck..

But…really?

You’ve got to fucking be kidding me. This is such total bullshit.

But it was the only hope I had, or I would be homeless.

I messaged Hannah, the woman who helped destroy my marriage. I told her what he had done to me and how I didn’t know what to do.

She asked where I was and I told her. She said she’d be there in 15 mins.

 

 

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9. What is best

I spoke to a lawyer on base about my divorce situation. I asked him generally what happens to the kids in a military divorce. He said that they usually go with the non-military parent for deployment purposes and what not. We weren’t wanting to go to battle though. My husband and I were on mutual agreement that it just wasn’t working out.

We even tried to explore other avenues. I guess it was me more so than him. He knew that I was looking in other places for people, and he was too, more so on the internet. There was a girl that I was really interested in. The only woman I have ever met that I could have dated. I just don’t see girls in a relationship. I can have sex, but I’m just not emotionally compatible with a woman. But this girl, there was something special about her.

My husband encouraged me to go after her, and I tried, but it was a big complicated situation that caused way too much drama. My husband and I were still having a good relationship, but more like a friendship and we happened to have kids together. We were still having sex, but it was more out of comfort than a need for each other.

Looking back, I can say that I definitely shouldn’t have handled it the way I did. I had a feeling that he had slept with someone, but he told me he didn’t. I was completely honest with him about what I was doing. So I guess you can argue that I cheated on my husband, but he knew. We had decided it was okay, even though we hadn’t physically filed for divorce.

Turns out, because of a government shutdown, my husband could not crosstrain and had to get out of the military at the end of his enlistment that year. So he would be returning to his home of record. I had said to him that instead of me taking the kids, I would move to his state, which I’d never been in, so long as he would help me get on my feet. This way, I didn’t feel like a monster who took her kids’ father away. This is what was best for my children. It wasn’t their fault we didn’t want to be married.

He suggested once that he take our son and I take our daughter. I told him absolutely not. I would not split my children. For one, they have a huge bond to each other. Secondly, how the fuck would my son feel knowing his mom only took his sister? And vice versa? Hell the fuck no. I would not do that to them.

So come November 2013, we packed up our family and moved from Japan to Oklahoma. We had to stay with his family, whom I had never met. He always hated his mom his whole life. He said she was a bipolar psycho. She was abusive and that was the reason he moved out so young.

When I met her, she seemed nice enough. She loved the kids, and did shots with me like the first night I was there. We even took my daughter and went shopping with her, while my husband took our son and his dad. She asked me about us getting a divorce and asked if there was any chance of it working out. I told her about Hannah. She remembered Hannah. She absolutely hated her. Something we had in common. One of the few.

Things were okay. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my husband’s family. I was struggling a bit, being as I was trying to parent my children in someone else’s house. My daughter was not sleeping well in her pack and play, so she was screaming a lot during the night. I could tell his parents were irritated, but there wasn’t much I could do. They didn’t offer to help or anything, not that I necessarily needed it. She was just a tough baby.

My mother had a heart attack and I had no way to contact her. My husband was off buying himself a phone, but didn’t think of me at all. He suddenly decided that he didn’t have to pay for me anymore. His parents got him a good deal on a vehicle and helped him get a job. I, on the other hand, had applied to a nearby place, but didn’t get the job.

I was growing more and more stressed with the living situation. I was used to it just being me, my husband, and my children. I could tell his mother was critiquing my parenting and it was pissing me the fuck off. She started limiting how much juice my son had and when he could have a snack. That made me angry, but she was paying for it, so what could I do.

I had to use the house phone to call my mother and check up on her. She had her second heart attack and I was worried for her. So much, that I was crying a lot. I didn’t want to be in Oklahoma. I wanted to go home. I was uncomfortable in someone else’s house and it was becoming awkward. I started noticing all of things my husband said he hated about his mom. She was the biggest control freak I had ever met. I watched my husband give in to her every request, just so she would shut up.

5. The best and the worst

Being a mom was unlike anything I had ever experienced. My own tiny human, that I and the man I loved created. Having a child is the most intimate experience you can have with someone you love. They talked about soul ties when you have sex with someone, but holy shit the soul ties when you have a child with someone. Looking at the beautiful little one that was half me and half my husband, I’d never experienced a love like this. I’ve never loved anyone to the degree that I did my own child.

It was a little difficult, I won’t lie. I didn’t have a clue what the fuck I was doing. There were nights where I’d bawl my eyes out because my son wouldn’t stop crying. I fed him, changed him, loved on him, and did everything I could think of. I finally just collapsed in front of the crib and bawled my eyes out. At that point, I called my mother crying. She told me to relax, take a break, and let him cry for about 15 minutes. She told me to just shut his door, go into the living room and listen to some music.

When I re-entered the room, he had gone quiet. He was happy. I picked him up and snuggled him. And we were happy. I wanted everything in the world for him. I couldn’t even go shopping and not get him something. I wanted to give him as much as I could.

My son loved his daddy, even if he spent most of the time with Mommy. My husband loved our son. He wasn’t fond of changing diapers, but what person isn’t? Something I had also noticed is that he only wanted to do the fun stuff. When it came to feeding, changing, or bathing, he’d rarely do it. That was annoying. But we were being taken care of. I got to spend every day of my life with my child, and if that isn’t the biggest blessing in the world, I don’t know what is.

The child took up a lot of my time and energy, and I have to say, my marriage made sacrifices. We had decided early on before he was sleeping through the night to take “shifts.” I’d sleep from 10pm to 4am and he would take care of the baby. Obviously he wasn’t up all night, but if he woke up, I would still get continuous sleep. Then I would get up at 4am and my husband would go to sleep. This is before he would go back to work.

The night I went into labor, I noticed my husband being a little shady with his computer. We had been doing so good, please oh God don’t let him be fucking it up right now. I expressed my concerns, but he quickly dismissed them. He looked at me straight in the eye and said, “I will never do that again. You can read whatever you want.” The thing about my husband is, when asked, he always tells the truth. He’ll omit like his life depends on it, but he never lied to me when I straight up asked him. However, whenever I had these feelings, I was always right. But, I just kinda stood there, and was like, “Wait, I’m wrong?” That’s weird. But I let it go, after all, I started having contractions that night.

Things were becoming distant with my husband. When I was not taking care of our little one, I did my best to try to give my husband what he needed. I’d dress up in lingerie for him, but he did not seem interested. I tried to make the effort, but he didn’t want it. Talk about insecurity for a woman who just had a baby. I remained relatively small throughout my pregnancy, up until the last month. But I had a bazillion stretch marks all over my tummy and I was not too thrilled.

I didn’t feel pretty, and the lack of interest from the man I married did not help. I felt defeated. So I let him play his video games and retreated to my room. See, this is the point where we should have talked, expressed our feelings, and tried to come to some sort of reconciliation. But no, both of us remained silent.

When you are not doing your duties as a spouse, people start looking elsewhere. It’s not right or justified, but it does happen. My “elsewhere” came in the form of my high school love. We’ll call him Max.